You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
