I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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