i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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