Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
