you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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