Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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