Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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