Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
