so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
