On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
