You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
