I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
