Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
