I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Drake has all the answers
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
