i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
