Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
