I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
