my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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