she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
