My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
