Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
