I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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