the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It was like getting head from an anaconda
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
