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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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