I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
