Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
