your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
