I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
