Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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