I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's official drugs can't kill me
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
