dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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