is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
