my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
