got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
