Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
