I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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