I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
