Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
