Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
