Who wears a wallet chain?!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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