i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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