Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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