Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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