I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
