It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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