What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You ruined the universe
Randomize
