you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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