Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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