My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
