3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
