so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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