Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
