I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
