i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize