Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
