two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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