now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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