He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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