she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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