i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
