note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
